“When I ask how old your toddler is, I don't need to hear '27 months.'
'He's two' will do just fine. He's not a cheese.
And I didn't really care in the first place.”
 ― George Carlin
 
“Sometimes I lie awake at night, and I ask, 'Where have I gone wrong'.
Then a voice says to me, 'This is going to take more than one night.”
 ― Charles M. Schulz
 
“If Dracula can't see his reflection in a mirror, how come his hair
   is always so neatly combed?”
 ― Steven Wright